Virgo Go see a movie today. It's a great escape. Especially from all this pollution and UV radiation. Say, is that mole new?

Libra Your dreams will be filled with prophetic visions. Write them down. Hopefully, there's some lottery numbers or some sports scores in there.

Scorpio Curse you. Curse your family. Curse your children. And your children's children. Vile, vile, Scorpio.

Sagittarius You've acquired massive food allergies. Eat well.

Capricorn Those were not contact lenses you put in this morning. Best not think about this again.

Aquarius The white ball will be under the middle shell. Trust the stars. Invest all your money in this lucrative street game.

Pisces You've won a brand new car!

Aries You will feel a haunting sadness about times gone by. Today's smell is wheat grass and toast.

Taurus Today is your annual crime day. All Tauruses are exempt from laws today.

Gemini You will meet someone today who will have no effect on your life and whom you will immediately forget. Retain hope for a possible future.

Cancer I've gotta pay my phone bill and also get some more milk.

Leo It's better that I don't read this aloud. Better that you not know. Tell your family that you love them.