Virgo: Go see a movie today. It's a great escape. Especially from all this pollution and UV radiation. Say, is that mole new?
Libra: Your dreams will be filled with prophetic visions. Write them down. Hopefully, there's some lottery numbers or some sports scores in there.
Scorpio: Curse you. Curse your family. Curse your children. And your children's children. Vile, vile, Scorpio.
Sagittarius: You've acquired massive food allergies. Eat well.
Capricorn: Those were not contact lenses you put in this morning. Best not think about this again.
Aquarius: The white ball will be under the middle shell. Trust the stars. Invest all your money in this lucrative street game.
Pisces: You've won a brand new car!
Aries: You will feel a haunting sadness about times gone by. Today's smell is wheat grass and toast.
Taurus: Today is your annual crime day. All Tauruses are exempt from laws today.
Gemini: You will meet someone today who will have no effect on your life and whom you will immediately forget. Retain hope for a possible future.
Cancer: I've gotta pay my phone bill and also get some more milk.
Leo: It's better that I don't read this aloud. Better that you not know. Tell your family that you love them.